What I Remember (07/2008)

I remember you
not as you are
but as my heart
wills you to be
awaiting the sunrise
I stand on the precipice
I feel the wind
flying over me
I want freedom
strength like the falcon
the bright falcon
that soars on wings
I love the memory
pushing me up
high above
I can forget
for a second
that it isn’t real
and will never come to be


-E.

Perhaps Love?

(3/09)
There was a night
Three years ago
When everything could have led
To a fairy tale sight.

I had the dress
You had the smile—
It sucks me in every time
But I did what I do best and created stress

Ran away from me and you
And obsessed over some one else
“Walk by him with me”
“He’ll see if we walk through”

Never knowing I’d leave town
Spend nights under other boy’s covers, and
Rally against the world of patriarchy you uphold,
Only to think of that night, that gown.

At home we talk over coffee cups
In front of my boyfriend’s ex
A triangle of confusion
And road-to-nowhere start-ups.

No more dates for you as words of excitement about The One
Leave your mouth in a swarm
Each one pummels my heart exposing truth.
The sting remains long after your talk is done.

I try to think of it as a phase
(Remembering mention of a large family—)
But the family is pre-made and segregated
With no place for me and my feminist ways.

So nothing passes my lips that comes from my heart
I speak with my head and we talk of philosophy, school, the church.
All the while I dream of hugging and closeness and holding your hand in mine.
But this is the end, there’s no restart.
When the chance was alive I passed
And so forever we’ll live apart.

When I Smile (02/2008)

Is it bad to wallow in pain?
but it feels so good
so cleansing
my soul has been emptied--shook out
like little birds dusting the corners
Do I love the pain?
is it like endorfins after a run?
Building up
racing through my veins
I feel high
like someone floating on a cloud
detached from the earth
looking down I can laugh
free from those around me
they do not know
they do not feel
but I do
and I know
How it burns like cold fire
and the flames climb
higher and higher
I sit and watch
and laugh
sometimes I even smile
at my pain

-E.

Unorganized Feelings

(11/09)
Two years ago it would have ended with screams and hidden tears
But today it ends with a hug
And I don’t want to go.
You always say the right things—never much
And with one touch—hand on knee—my tremors quell.
A room with a secondhand loveseat where we frequently sat, rarely in love
With a new TV, too many flags, and a dirty kitchen
Feels like a mother’s embrace as I sit, taking up space in another’s territory.
I share my secrets like a confused encyclopedia
Unorganized half sentences wiggle my tongue and pry open my lips
Until everything dangles in the air
And you say nothing.
Only smile and look at me with eyes that thrill me more than my boyfriend’s kisses.
Jumbled, flirtatious giddiness overwhelms the sadness until it passes out in confusion
But those eyes, that smile, your heart
Desire another.
So I leave high from a three hour dose of you
Only to crash later that night
The tears come under peppy winter sheets, fleecy warm but never enough,
Alone in my tiny room I wrap my own arms around my shoulders and try not to think
Of a boy who saves me but loves a girl who will never be me.

-M

Hate is a strong word

(12/09)
Hate is a strong word
Is it deep enough to wound you?

When friends ask if you cared for me I say “Of course” and
Smile. I feel like a battered woman with invisible bruises
The easiest type to cover
No need for makeup or long sleeves
Just a relationship glow and a water bottle anecdote.
Check.

I wallow in sadness beneath a weeks layer of sweat and food that doesn’t purge
The memories of you even when I end up on the bathroom floor.

Christmas carols babble cheerfully and lights blink happily in the darkness
Like flirtatious winks
But I detest it all: happiness, family gatherings, the world and everyone in it
Except You.

You who doesn’t care that I am breaking apart.
You who doesn’t care that I think about you every day, want you every night, and live happily ever after with you in dreamland.
You who doesn’t care that I only want to stand by your side.
You who just doesn’t care.
Not now, not tomorrow
Not ever.

When I say I hate you
It is only an affirmation, a mantra
A front.

Inside I am pathetically waiting, hoping for any contact
(To challenge the meanness you utter)
Which always comes and inverts the colors of my life
So I see the vibrancy in the once gray misery
And feel an immediate high no physical substance could match

Someday I will move on
But when that some day exists we cannot know
Separation by 1000s of miles, cities, and people did not make me forget you
Nor could my new boyfriend who was everything I wanted (I thought) but everyone you’re not.
So all I can do now is repeat my mantra and
Construct my life without you
While trying not to see you in every license plate, every person, every story.
Until that some day arrives
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

-M

Broken Egg Dreams (11/2009)

All the eggs are broken
those pretty little orbs
round, perfect, full of life
dropped one by one
onto the cement floor
leaking out into the ground
golden yolk
--full of promise
bright with future days
soon to come
bright with sun
--smashed
now trampled underfoot


-E.