Hate is a strong word

(12/09)
Hate is a strong word
Is it deep enough to wound you?

When friends ask if you cared for me I say “Of course” and
Smile. I feel like a battered woman with invisible bruises
The easiest type to cover
No need for makeup or long sleeves
Just a relationship glow and a water bottle anecdote.
Check.

I wallow in sadness beneath a weeks layer of sweat and food that doesn’t purge
The memories of you even when I end up on the bathroom floor.

Christmas carols babble cheerfully and lights blink happily in the darkness
Like flirtatious winks
But I detest it all: happiness, family gatherings, the world and everyone in it
Except You.

You who doesn’t care that I am breaking apart.
You who doesn’t care that I think about you every day, want you every night, and live happily ever after with you in dreamland.
You who doesn’t care that I only want to stand by your side.
You who just doesn’t care.
Not now, not tomorrow
Not ever.

When I say I hate you
It is only an affirmation, a mantra
A front.

Inside I am pathetically waiting, hoping for any contact
(To challenge the meanness you utter)
Which always comes and inverts the colors of my life
So I see the vibrancy in the once gray misery
And feel an immediate high no physical substance could match

Someday I will move on
But when that some day exists we cannot know
Separation by 1000s of miles, cities, and people did not make me forget you
Nor could my new boyfriend who was everything I wanted (I thought) but everyone you’re not.
So all I can do now is repeat my mantra and
Construct my life without you
While trying not to see you in every license plate, every person, every story.
Until that some day arrives
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

-M